“Are you listening?” Meeting my frustrated gaze, she assures me she is indeed listening. The vacancy in her eyes, however, reveals a different reality. For many, the desire of being “heard” by those close to them, far outweighs the desire of being seen by them. Exploring the power of cultivating deep listening revealed my own failure in offering the gift of deep listening to others.
As the recipient of a deaf ear from a friend, their insensitivity triggered my hurt from past wounds cut deep into my heart by others professing love, but rarely heard my cries for help.
Being heard is so close to being loved, that for the average person they are almost indistinguishable.
David Augsburger
Fleeing once again to the Lord armed with my pain, resulted in what at first seemed a rebuke. “He who has ears, let him hear.” Matthew 13:9 stared at me from my daily reading. Yes, clearly my friend needed these words, but strangely, they felt directed at me!
but what is deep listening?
In order to experience the power of cultivating deep listening, understanding the difference between hearing, and the compassionate component of listening was necessary.
A physical act of perceiving sound, hearing offers little more than a passive acknowledgement of a voice. Conversely, deep listening, offers understanding of the person beyond the spoken word.
Am I Hearing?
- Passive receiving
- Simple action
- Requires no conscious effort
- Captures sounds and words
Am I Listening?
- Active processing
- Skilled action
- Requires conscious effort
- Offers understanding of the person
Clearly, as we often experience, both we and others “hear” the spoken word, but contribute little attention or real involvement. Deep listening, on the other hand, hears the silence and reads between the lines, enabling perception of emotions, thought processes, and mindset of the other person without judgement.
In short, employing compassionate listening opens the door for understanding the person speaking the words, while communicating genuine interest and engagement.
To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.
Henri Nouwen
Do you hear what i hear?
Returning to Jesus’ words in Matthew 13:9, having “ears to hear” clearly implies more than simple reception of spoken words. The nuanced statement speaks to listening with intent towards understanding, and ultimately to live Jesus’ words.
Sitting with the implication of Jesus’ words, over time, the realization of Henri Nouwen’s quote hit home for me. Yes, my ears “heard”, but true listening remained an unfamiliar art.
As I understood more about deep listening, I saw not only my failure in listening well to others, but also my failure in listening to myself and most importantly to God.
The benefits of employing compassionate listening with others abound as listed above. But a true listening ear offered with compassion to myself, helps battle negative self talk, compassionately process failure and woundedness, and applies comfort to my grief.
Genuinely embracing my Savior’s words with the intent of living them out, only happens through deep listening. I wonder, how often have I cried out to God for answers or guidance on issues He may have answered?
Failing to truly listen, I neither understood God nor His clear instruction.
The power of cultivating deep listening
Becoming a compassionate listener means I pursue listening from a heart of love and compassion, not simply to gain information. Far from a limited tool for unearthing knowledge, listening is actually a place.
A place of understanding, connection, and healing.
Instead of having conversations, through deep listening, we are conversations. Ultimately, we become what we hear.
But even more important; training ourselves towards deep listening, we shake off preconceptions of others resulting in judgement filled “hearing”, while shedding our own need for posturing.
Best of all, imagine how much more intimate being still and knowing God might become through deep listening.
I need to do some deep listening to your words right now, Donna. I most understand the value of listening when I feel the pain of not feeling heard. May I be a little better tomorrow than I have been today at really listening to those who are in front of me. I’ll share this at our Grace & Truth linkup on Friday as the featured post. Thank you for your wisdom once again, friend.
Thank you Lisa for your kind words and featuring my post at the Grace & Truth link up! I know exactly what you mean about understanding listening better when you feel the pain of not being heard. In fact that has been an impetus for me to take this journey of deep listening, starting with God.
My husband and I are getting ready to teach at a marriage retreat so I have been thinking a lot about the subject of listening. It’s even more important than communicating ourselves, isn’t it!
WOW, Donna, do we ever need the art of deep listening in marriage! I agree, at times listening is a more important component of communication than the spoken word.
Donna, I love that “listening is A place of understanding, connection, and healing.” I have been doing my best to intentionally listen and look forward to growing in my deep listening.
Deborah, God has been working in my life to learn to listen more deeply and fully, it takes intention, but worth the effort! I am dong my best to improve in this area too!
Donna, I’m so happy you shared this. I learned when I worked in counseling during my Social Work career that there is a difference between listening and “hearing” on both people’s part. This is so important and sometimes takes practice to learn how to “hear” someone.
Thanks bunches for linking up with Sweet Tea & Friends this month sweet friend.
Paula, I think we don’t fully understand the difference between hearing and listening. But what a gift of love to offer someone, to truly listen to their heart.
oh Donna i love this post. and that henri nouwen quote said it all. good listeners are a rare breed. it’s a hard but necessary calling and amazing the life change that happens for the one who is heard, validated, and known.
thanks for going there. just fabulous!
Linda, God is speaking a great to me about listening these days. Henri Nouwen’s quote really pierced my heart! Indeed deep listening changes the lives of both the listener and the speaker!
Deep listening is so very important, a skill I continue to work on. It opens the door to the deeper connection. It’s not easy for a Chatty Cathy like me so I appreciate your encouragement here..
Jan, you are so right, it’s the connection we forfeit when we don’t make time to “listen” as well as we talk!
This is so deep, Donna, love is equated with being heard. I hear the encouragement to go deep in compassionate listening – to God, to myself, and to others. Confessing my lack and trusting He will bring strength to walk out compassionate listening – for the sake of love.
Lisa, feeling unheard for so much of my life, even being told “no one wants to hear what you have to say”, when I came across that quote about love being equated with being heard, it was like my pain finally had a voice. But then God took it even further, reminding me listening is a two way street, and I suddenly realized how little I truly “listen” to Him. Yes, may He bring us both strength to walk out compassionate listening that we may love others as He loves us.
Donna, listening seems to be a lost art these days. There are so many voices speaking, I think many are tuning out. I have even “tested” this by stopping in the middle of a sentence only to discover the other person never realized it. But this morning, you have challenged me not only to become a deep listener to those around me, but more so, with the Lord. May I have ears to hear so I become more like Him. I so appreciated this post!
Joanne, so true, deep listening is not something we are blessed to receive too often these days. As I work to become a better listener, my focus is learning to truly listen to God, rather than a superficial hearing! Ultimately, deep listening requires time, which we never feel we have!