I have been told many times that “Jesus loves me.” But there are many times when I don’t feel so loved. Like the time I held my son’s first baby, a long awaited little girl, Indigo Evangeline; stillborn, dying 2 days before her promised due date. As I looked into an angelic little face, I knew her eyes would never open on this earth. “Jesus loves me…” my shattered heart did not feel love; it felt nothing but pain. Does God love me?
Love That Doesn’t Heal
I know three people that felt much like I did that day. Their names are Mary, Martha and Lazarus, very dear friends of Jesus. Their familiar story is found in John 11:1-44. This is the story where Mary and Martha send word to Jesus, that Lazarus was sick. They hoped He would come and heal Lazarus. Jesus receives the message, but stays right where He is for 2 more days. He tells the disciples that were with Him first, that the illness “would not lead to death”. Secondly, that it was for “the glory of God”, and finally that “Lazarus was dead.
This would not seem so strange, except then we read three specific times that state Jesus loved Mary, Martha and Lazarus; (verses 3, 5 and 36). After this is stated in verse 5, verse 6 says, Therefore after Jesus heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed two more days where He was. Grammatically speaking the word “therefore” implies that the knowledge that Jesus loved them in verse 5, was the reason He stayed two more days. Jesus knew exactly what that would mean; how is that demonstrating love? Jesus loved Lazarus, He could have healed Lazarus, He didn’t.
“Love is doing whatever you have to do, or whatever God has to do, at whatever cost in order for the glory of God to be shown.”
John Piper
Show Me Your Glory
I can imagine the disillusionment that Mary and Martha felt when Jesus didn’t come, didn’t answer and Lazarus died. I stood with the lifeless body of my precious granddaughter in my arms with the same disillusionment. My mind went back to a time not long before when I prayed with fervent sincerity for God to “show me His glory”. I wanted Him to reveal Himself to me. I eagerly looked forward to things falling into place and glimpsing God’s miraculous works in my life.
Yet there I stood, holding shattered dreams, witnessing shattered dreams in the life of my son and his wife; this is love? This is God’s glory? And it was only the beginning. One month later my husband would have a heart attack on Valentine’s Day. Two weeks later my beloved furry companion, Golda would lay dying. That day 4 years ago began a journey I did not ask for; or did I?
A Love Better Than Life
God’s strange love turns everything upside down. Love is not what the world thinks it is; it is not healing, removal of pain or removal of death and grief. To ask “Does God love me?”, means the revealing of glory; the Glory of God. If God is your all, if He is your supreme treasure, then to have more of Him is to be loved. But the way to have more of God, to see His glory, is often through tears, through pain, through suffering.
The Glory of God in Jesus is the only thing that will satisfy your soul’s deepest longings and God knows that. Therefore if He must take away health, if he must take away a job, or if he must take away a life for you to see that, He will; that is love. Jesus loved Mary, Martha and Lazarus, so He let Lazarus die, so they could see the Glory of God.
Serenity in Suffering
God hasn’t raised anybody from the dead recently in my life, but He has breathed life into my soul that was not there before. He has revealed more of Himself to me, walked closer with me and brought peace and understanding to my soul. You see, He answered my prayer; I asked Him humbly to show me His glory and He gave me so much more than I asked. He showed me that He loved me enough to allow the hard things in my life so that I could see Him, know Him and be loved by Him.
I needed peace and hope which was nowhere to be found in the darkness. This hope is only found in Christ. My “easy, trouble-free” life never produced anything but shallow enjoyment of the present; suffering was producing something that could not be shaken. I needed to get my eyes off of the “outcome” I expected from God. Believing that He will always do what is best for me; God has poured His love into me. The Bible reveals that love, the Cross proclaims it and the Holy Spirit seals it. The love of Christ that I have experienced in the midst of suffering knows no comparison on this earth; it is the life giving hope that is worth any cost.
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