The Gift of Grief During the Holidays

Scanning the crowd under the tent at an annual remembrance service, one cold December evening recently, reminded me of the nearness of grief in this season of Light. For grief bound the common thread among all of us present. We came whispering their names; those who left us too soon. We celebrated their lives, and the gift of grief each left us.

The “Light Up a Life” commemoration service offered by the hospice agency where I work, makes space for those who lost loved ones throughout the year to gather in a time of remembrance and celebration. Donations made throughout the year purchase a tiny white light placed on one of many evergreen trees on the property.

After a touching memorial service, the lights on all the trees light up, piercing the darkness with the light of love.

Holiday Grief

Whether you experienced your loss recently or many years prior, the arrival of winter holidays opens the wound of grief anew. The absence of our loved ones slices deep in so many ways amid the preparations, decorations, celebrations, and especially in the quiet moments alone.

Sitting among so many whose hearts held memories still painful, whose tears still fell unabated; I closed my eyes, remembering Christmases long ago. My Nana’s perfume filled my nostrils, her warm hug held me close and the words whispered all those years ago tingled my ears, “The magic of Christmas is Jesus.”

Death takes those we love, but the memories remain our treasures forever. But never are they more painful than during holidays and special occasions.

the grief connection

One of the goals we work towards at our children’s bereavement camp involves teaching the children ways of maintaining connection with their lost loved ones. The importance of connection with a lost loved one has no age barriers and nurturing connection during the holidays brings meaning to the relationship.

Love continues after death; relationship continues after death, but in an altered way.

The gift of grief reminds us the sorrow we feel in the absence of our loved one is all of the love we can no longer express.

Naturally during holidays and special occasions we feel grief more acutely because our hearts long to love those no longer with us in the special ways we enjoyed before. But instead we face emptiness and sorrow holding love with no where to go.

coping with grief during the holidays

Spending holidays and special occasions with family and friends is a tradition most of us embrace from childhood. Faced with the reality of an empty place in time held traditions leaves us with sadness instead of celebration.

Your initial response to feelings of grief as the holidays approach may be one of avoidance. Moving away from overwhelming emotions of sadness reinforces negativity around grief.

Understanding grief as the deepest expression of love and connection with someone no longer with you helps you reframe the sadness you feel.

A better understanding of grief also helps you anticipate a more intense encounter with grief around the holidays. Empowering you with freedom in how you celebrate and honor the memory of your loved one. Ultimately avoiding feelings of hopelessness, helplessness and emptiness.

Tips for embracing the gift of grief

Viewing grief from a different perspective moves you closer to better coping with its intense emotions. Realizing the sadness you feel surfaces due to the abiding love longing for expression; seek creative ways of loving those your heart misses so deeply.

• Embrace Grace. Especially for yourself, but also for others affected by the loss. Stay present: each year is different, decide what works for you this year. Give yourself permission to skip a particular activity or tradition if it feels overwhelming this year. Stay flexible, avoid “permanent” alterations to your celebrations.
• Start with You. Self-care first enables you to then stay present and engaged with other family members. It also enables you to then help other members of the family who may be struggling with their grief.
• Make small changes. Though you may feel tempted to make sweeping changes or avoid everything altogether, start small. Especially if children or other family members are involved, keep those things that are important to everyone.
• Nurture Joy. Allow yourself the pleasures of the season which nurture joy, comfort and fulfillment. While tears may flow at times, you most honor the memory of your loved one by enjoying life as they did when they were here.
• Actively Remember. Seek positive ways of honoring your loved one. As you pursue honoring their memory you continue loving them in new ways.
  • Visit a place or event they enjoyed.
  • Create a scrapbook or enjoy viewing photo albums or videos.
  • Write or sing a special song or poem.
  • Add a commemorative ornament to your tree.
  • Make a donation to a favorite charity in their name.
  • Set aside time for sharing special memories with others.

tips for supporting the grieving

• Give Grace. Small acts of kindness and compassion speak big love. If the loss is recent, step in and bring a meal, grocery or restaurant gift cards. Offer to babysit, pet sit or house sit. Don’t ask if or how you can help, take the initiative. Even long after a loss, show sensitivity to heightened holiday grief by sending a card, offering a lunch or coffee date or making a donation in honor of their loved one.
• Stay Close. Check in with them, offer understanding if they decline invitations, be a listening ear. Be there, don’t avoid. The greatest gift you can offer a grieving friend is the comfort of your quiet presence without expectations.
• Honor Their Loved One. Speak the name of the lost loved one; sometimes the bereaved rarely ever hear anyone mention the name of their loved one. Share a personal memory if you have one, give a gift in memory of them.

the gift of grief during the holidays

Leaning into grief, meeting it with gentle compassion opens your eyes to the beauty of love held within the gift of grief. For grief pours forth from a heart full of love. Though that love at times now flows written in tears; its strength never diminishes, but only holds tighter.

Grief teaches us new ways of loving, connecting and remembering. It softens expectations and weaves a deeper compassion for others into our souls. Inviting us linger, savor life’s gift of moments, steep our souls in gratitude and loosen love’s words from the tongue of our stifled heart.

He will swallow up death forever; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces

Isaiah 25:8a

Yes, one day death will no longer separate us from those our hearts hold dear; but until then, we will remember them.

We Remember Them

by Sylvan Kamens and Jack Riemer

At the rising of the sun and at its going down
We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter
We remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring
We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer
We remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn
We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength
We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart
We remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share
We remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make
We remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as
We remember them.

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