Every mother longs for her graduation day from mother to “grandmother”. Even now as I fondle the tiny knit booties, I remember the exquisite joy upon opening them that Mother’s Day some years ago. My son and his wife struggled for so long with infertility, the announcement of a little one on the way seemed like a dream. Joy sprung from deep gratitude as I cradled the tiny booties. Nine months later, God showed me when gratitude becomes a sacrifice.
gratitude and grace
Perhaps even more exciting than the announcement heralding the promise of a grandchild, was the anticipation of the gender reveal. Enjoying two months of speculation, dreaming and choosing “Team Indigo Evangeline” or “Team Jude Thomas” flew by.
We all chose our team colors for the day, planned the food and gathered for a backyard reveal party among family and friends. Thinking back, the love, fellowship and joy of that day still fills my heart. The moment the balloons escaped the decorated box, tears likewise escaped my eyes; God gifted us Indigo Evangeline.
“I will offer to you the sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord.”
Psalm 116:17
when gratitude becomes a sacrifice
My daughter-in-law absolutely glowed throughout her pregnancy. Adoring every moment of her pregnancy, we blessed her with a fairy tale baby shower on a gorgeous autumn afternoon. The vivid memory of pink, sparkles and all things princesses sits quietly in my mind even today.
Weeks turned into months: our family gathered for New Year’s and celebrated the arrival of a new year full of promise for my son and his wife after so many disappointments. Sharing dreams we each harbored for Indie, special gifts for her and plans for the future.
Join me at Living by Design, as I share my story of Indie’s birthday; the day I learned when gratitude becomes a sacrifice, you offer a broken hallelujah finding beauty in the eternal. Find out the most important lesson to remember when gratitude becomes a sacrifice.
Whew, this one hits too close to home, Donna. 🙁 We lost our middle child just an hour and a half after her birth. We did have forewarning though, although it still didn’t prepare my heart for the grief I would carry for the rest of my life. “I still have grief. Truthfully, when you lose a child or grandchild, you lose an entire lifetime.” That is so true.
Although the pain eases up, it remains a part of me, even though it was 28 years ago. Reading your post and now as a grandmother myself, I reflect also on the grief that my own mother felt too. Thank you for your beautiful telling of this hard, hard story, and I am SO sorry for this tremendous loss you all have experienced. 🙁
Lisa, I thought of you when I wrote this. I remember you shared a bit about your experience, my heart aches for you too. Though 28 years ago, the grief becomes a part of you, carving a space nothing can fill until you meet your beautiful child in heaven. We were unprepared for our outcome, but I’m not sure you can ever be prepared for grief. I talk to people all the time in my line of work, and many knew their loved one was dying for some time, but grief still came as an unwanted guest. Whenever I remember Indie, I think of you, too.
Donna, I cried when I read this. Yes, indeed her life mattered and always will. Thank you for your transparency and honest emotions. God will indeed use your story for His glory. Sometimes people don’t know how to tell their stories, talk about how they feel about their grief or thanksgiving to others. You may not know who your words touch or in what way in their life. But God does. Blessings.
~Selah ~
Paula my dear friend, thank you for taking the time to read my post.I am so grateful for your encouragement today, as at times it is hard to trust God with these hard stories. I am blessed to think how he may choose to use this brokenness for His glory!
Tears filled my eyes as I read your beautiful words. I can’t imagine the pain your family endured, and I’m so very sorry for your loss. Grief can take us deeper into the arms of our Savior or further away from Him. Thankfully, He doesn’t move and waits for us to return to His embrace. I understand what you were saying about waiting for the next bad thing. I’ve had to pray my way through that journey as well.
Thank you, Lisa for your kind and encouraging words. God has taken me on a long road of grief over the past few years, and at first I resented it, but I can now say it did take me deeper into His arms, for which I am truly grateful.
Dear Donna, our first-born, our son would have been 44 this year. Many things have changed regarding pregnancy, childbirth…and grief since then. Neither me or my husband got to see or hold our son. During the following months and years, my body would literally ache for want of holding him. And then God began to heal me from the inside out.
When I couldn’t manage to squeeze out the semblance of gratitude for our son’s lifetime of a few hours, the Lord’s grace began to flow in a very underexpected way. The Lord began to bring other women into my life who were suffering the same kind of loss. The agony of losing our son had ripped a gaping hole in my heart that the Lord began filling with compassion for others. Much sooner than I thought possible, compassion transitioned to thanksgiving to be able to minister to my sisters.
Donna, I must admit that I did not willingly offer up a gift of praise through the suffering, but that didn’t stop the Lord. He didn’t turn away from me because of my short-sighted lack of faith and trust. Instead, He lavished grace upon grace by showing me there was a purpose to my pain. Once I could recognize the Lord’s hand upon this hard, hard thing, I was able to lift my hands in praise and thanksgiving for His grace and mercy.
Allie, what a beautiful story. I am truly grieved for the loss of your son; no matter how much time passes, the pain of grief remains. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been for you and your husband not to have seen, held or said good bye to your son in the way we did with Indie. God is indeed gracious. My initial heart’s cry was not gratitude either, but hearing those godly men pray spoke to my heart that day and the days to follow.
God kows how fragile our broken hearts are, and deals with us so gently. This is a beautiful story of God’s redemption of your brokenness for His glory. I am so honored to read it and treasure this picture of a mother’s love made perfect. Thank you for your vulnerable heart in sharing your story here.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful, tender moment of your family’s journey, Donna. I appreciate your tender-heart towards the Lord, Donna. And I appreciate your vulnerability in sharing.
Your precious Indie’s great-grandfather and grandfather’s prayers of gratitude in that moment of beholding what was tragic in the moment for those present, yet glorious for her – no pain or heartache or tears for her – brought another level of heart-touching tears. Thank you for sharing this beautiful, yet heart wrenching moment. It’s a beautiful gift lifted heavenward and all those who see it are touched by its beauty.
Donna,
My heart aches for you and your loved ones. Little Indigo was treasured! I know you are ministering powerfully through your pain–you did to me. Thank you, friend.
Peace and grace,
Tammy
Thank you, Tammy for your kindness; it blesses me more than you know. Thank you for walking with me a bit as I told my story. I pray God may use this and all my brokeness for His glory!
Sweet friend, I am so sorry. But I feel kinship with you in this. I have been in the place of having to choose praise in the midst of immeasurable pain. Thank you for writing about it. This too was a sacrifice I’m sure. And I’m praying for you and your family.
Thank you, Lauren for your kind words, they are a balm to my soul. It is indeed a kinship when we travel to the hard and broken places of life and can share that brokenness with others. Thank you so much for your prayers.
Oh, Donna, I’m so sorry for your loss and the hurt your children had to bear. I have no words but a heart of sympathy. I do know without a doubt Indigo will see you and know you someday. You can be assured she is in heaven.
Thank you, Jerralea for your kind words! I am blessed by your sympathy and encouraging words.
Wow, Donna. What a beautiful testimony.
Thank you, Ashley, it was painful to write, and I pray God uses it for His glory!