When Suffering Threatens to Overwhelm

As I sat in the dark just before dawn, I replayed the conversation over and over in my mind. I felt blind-sided; I never saw this coming. How was I going to walk this journey? I felt enveloped in the darkness, I couldn’t see the next step. Have you ever felt like this when suffering threatens to overwhelm you?

After a season of seemingly endless trials and difficulties I thought things might settle down. In a way I think something inside me thought I deserved a season of “rest”. As if I had done my time, that now my life would be “normal”. That is until my youngest daughter shared the news of her unplanned pregnancy.

Distorted Perception

July 16, 1999. J.F.Kennedy Jr.’s single engine plane plunged into the Atlantic Ocean just off Martha’s Vineyard. The cause of the crash was determined to be “spatial disorientation“. He flew into a fog at night and his “perception” was distorted. The fact is, he was never trained to “fly by the instruments”. As a result he trusted in his own perception and perished.

Learning to place confidence in a plane’s instruments is no easy task. You are essentially “flying blind” requiring the denial of your own physical perceptions. Most pilots describe this training as one of the most frightening of their careers.

Sometimes when suffering threatens to overwhelm us, our physical perceptions become distorted and we end up in a period of “spiritual disorientation.” During this time our perceptions of God, our situation and even ourselves become unrealistic.

“Perception is NOT reality, perception is the distortion of reality.”

Gavin Nascimento

Spiritual Eclipse

At times we “fly” into a very dark “faith fog”. We lose sight of points of reference that normally allow us to continue on course. We become spiritually disoriented. That is exactly how I felt when my youngest daughter shared her news. I didn’t even know she was in a relationship, she had never been in a relationship, how could this happen?

So many questions swirled through my mind. She had just graduated from college with a bright future ahead of her. She received the award of a prestigious internship at a well known children’s hospital and now that would all change.

I didn’t know how to process my pain and had no answers to my questions. Where was God anyway? I found myself in a place of deep darkness and doubt. It was as if I was experiencing an “eclipse” of God. God was completely obscured from my sight. A place filled with a tempest of hopelessness and insecurity. It was very much like spatial disorientation; I had no idea where I was.

Lost in the Fog

In the darkness of my trial, my doubts and fears were only driving me deeper into confusion and isolation. I could no longer rely on my own “senses” or even what I thought I knew to be true. It was a real crisis of faith for me, as I began to question what I believed about God.

But the more I tried to find answers to my questions and still the doubts in my mind, the farther into darkness I went. A feeling of an impending “crash”, gave me an urgency to get things right. I couldn’t shake the hopelessness I felt and I knew I had lost my way.

Fly By the Instruments

In these types of storms we cannot see our way forward. We must learn to trust in the “instruments” of God’s promises. We cannot trust our doubt-filled perceptions of reality. After several weeks I decided to stop striving and release control. I decided that I would “fly by faith”. Though I seemed unable to access God, I passed through storms before. I recalled previous times when He taught me in various ways, to trust His promises over my perceptions.

I had to admit, His promises always seemed more reliable that my own thoughts or reality. So now, in this place of suffering, disoriented and at times overcome with anxiety, I had a choice. I could trust my doubt ridden thoughts and perceptions of reality or turn to His promises.

When skies are clear, and all is well, it is easy to trust God’s promises; it’s when the darkness clouds our vision when we lose sight of Him. I remember reading an article about pilots training to rely solely on their instruments; and how many expected an easy “class”. Until they experienced the test run in dense fog and they had nothing but the instruments to rely on.

Faith Over Fear

Their perceptions screamed completely different instructions than the instruments read. Their disorientation resulted in fear and every one of them said their thoughts told them it was crazy to trust the instruments. Yet afterward, to a man, they realized if they had trusted their perceptions they would have crashed.

I felt the same way, but I kept reminding myself that my doubts and fears only drove me deeper into darkness and confusion. Realizing as the pilots did, I relied on my perceptions more than I thought I did. It was not easy, I continually fought the temptation to default back to my perceptions of reality.

“To appoint to them that mourn, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified.”

Isaiah 61:3

Promises Over Perceptions

It took much longer than I wanted. I sought God in the Bible, kept up my church attendance, always listening for a word that might be for me. Opening my heart to anything the Lord might use to speak to me. Sometimes, I shared with close friends, but mostly walked alone for a long time.

I remember thinking when someone offered words of encouragement, that I hoped what they said was true, but I doubted it. Prayer was a comfort to me, though often it felt like God was not listening. To break the focus on my own problems, I looked for ways to serve others.

In the end, my doubts proved wrong. God proved faithful. In fact, though I did not sense His presence, He never left. He shattered the darkness and doubts with the glorious light of His presence and I will never forget how He did it. His promises stood firm and transformed my suffering into serenity.

Silence to Strength

What I perceived as silence and abandonment was the gateway to knowing and trusting God and His promises more deeply. When I perceived my journey as a walk of abandonment, God showed me how to trust what my eyes could not see. While my veiled eyes continued to walk, trusting His Word, my fear and overwhelm dissipated. I learned that God’s promises can never be shaken, they are trustworthy and will always break through the darkness. As I passed from darkness to light, I also passed from silence to strength. My faith had been tested, tried and remained.

Feature image Photo by Ryan Christodoulou on Unsplash